As I have mentioned before, and probably make it extremely obvious, I am a very proud Jew. The one time a year I sometimes tend to find myself struggling with my Jewish identity is around the holidays and especially Christmas time. When I was very little, I went to a Jewish preschool so for the first few years of my life I knew hardly any people who weren’t Jewish. Apparently, one time when I was little I said, “I feel bad for people who celebrate Christmas. They must feel so left out because everyone celebrates Hanukkah, not Christmas.” Little did I know it was the exact opposite. Now, I’m sounding just a little dramatic, but, during the holiday season, I do sometimes feel as if I’m missing out or I get a sense of imposter syndrome. Every year I usually end up going over to friends’ houses and help them to decorate their Christmas tree or to build gingerbread houses or participate in some family tradition that has gone decades back, long before I came. I always have fun doing these activities, but it also makes me feel isolated. You know when you’re hanging out with two people who go way back and they keep telling stories and reminiscing on memories that they had in the past and you’re just kind of sitting there pretending to know what they’re talking about? It’s a similar feeling.
Every year there is a part of me that just wishes, more than anything, that I could celebrate Christmas and have my own traditions, and every year, these thoughts come with guilt. Sometimes I’ll catch myself lost in these thoughts and I’ll beat myself up about it. I’ll think to myself “Why are you so ungrateful? Your ancestors didn’t go through all that hardship for you to wish to celebrate a Christian holiday. You have Hanukkah, is that not enough for you?” It’s not that I wish to be Christian, just that I wish to celebrate Christmas. Nothing says that I can’t celebrate Christmas, I know plenty of Jews who do and I think it is great that they do it, but personally, the thought of celebrating Christmas makes me feel like a bad Jew.