Tag: relationships

Shouldn’t It Be Over?

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Q: Why am I so emotionally connected to a former sexual relationship compared to others that weren’t sexual? Shouldn’t I feel like it’s over like the other ones?

A: Our feelings are not under our conscious control.  We can’t make ourselves feel or stop feeling something.  We can only feel the emotions we have and ask what they’re trying to tell us (or ignore the feelings, but that never goes well).  I like to look at feelings as information.  It’s our mind and heart trying to tell us something that we might not be paying attention to or reinforce something we are paying attention to.

You’re the only one who can know what your feelings are telling you, but I can imagine a few possibilities.  Obviously, one possibility is that you aren’t over this person.  Maybe you still want a sexual relationship with them?  Maybe you want more than a sexual relationship with them?  Maybe there’s an unresolved issue between you two that you need to clear up?  As I said, I can’t know what the answer is, but if you’re honest with yourself you’ll be able to figure it out.  It might help to talk with a close friend or a trusted adult about the feelings you’re having and bounce some ideas off of them.  You don’t have to figure it out all on your own, but you’re the only one who can ultimately decide what these feelings are telling you.

Can a Relationship Work if People Have Very Different Sex Drives?

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Q: How does a relationship between a sex-repulsed person or an asexual person and someone who wants sex work? What can make that easier?

A: While your question offers an extreme example, it shows us something pretty common in relationships.  People in a relationship rarely have exactly the same sex drive.  Commonly, one partner wants to have sex more often than the other partner.  Also, people’s sex drives can change either quickly or over time.  Someone might not want to have sex one day but want to the next.  One partner might not want a lot of sex at one time and then find that they do want a lot of sex a another time.  Sex drive is not a constant in most people’s lives.

Now, in the specific situation you asked about, the couple certainly can find a way to manage this big disparity in sex drive.  For some couples, sexual activity isn’t the most important thing in their relationship so a big difference in sex drives is no big deal.  Sometimes couples make rules so that the person with the higher sex drive can masturbate as much as they want, or even have sex outside of the relationship without it being considered cheating.  A couple that loves one another and is committed to one another will be creative to try to find a way for the relationship to survive.  Sometimes, however, this is not possible and the couple needs to end their relationship, either by changing it to a non-sexual friendship or by separating entirely.

How Does One Sexually Attract Good People? 

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Q: How does one sexually attract good people? 

A: Thanks for this question.  I’m not exactly sure what you mean by “good people”.  That can mean people who are good at sexual activity or people who are kind, caring, and moral people.  I’m betting you mean the second thing so that’s how I’m going to answer the question.

The most important thing about a relationship, whether it’s sexual or not, is that the people in it treat each other as full human beings and not objects.  Good people care about other people’s bodies, feelings, and lives.  They want to make people’s lives better, to improve their happiness, and to help them reach their goals.  They are as concerned about the other person’s well-being as they are about their own.  It’s not one-sided, selfish, controlling, or intentionally hurtful in any way.  The best way to attract that kind of person is to be that kind of person!  If sexual attraction is the only thing that brings two people together, that’s a pretty shallow foundation for any kind of real connection.  It’s not wrong, but there’s not a lot to work with and it’s easy to objectify each other.  Ideally, we are attracted to people for lots of reasons including that we think they’re sexy.  If we only show other people our sexy side, or if we use sex as the main way to attract other people, we’re going to attract people who are primarily or only interested in that aspect of us.  When we present our authentic self – all of us including our sexual self – we allow other people to get a more complete view of who we are and we can attract people who will see us as more than just a sex object.

Dating within a friend group?

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Q: Is it bad to date your friends/someone in your friend group? I like a person in my friend group but it feels selfish to pursue the relationship because if we break up on bad terms then the friend group will fall apart. 

A: It’s great that you’re considering both your own needs/wants and the needs/wants of your friend group.  I don’t see anything wrong with 2 people in a friend group establishing a sweetheart relationship.  Your friends would be happy that you two like each other and I have no doubt they’d support your relationship.  I also wouldn’t assume that the friend group will blow up if the relationship doesn’t work.  That seems a bit melodramatic.  Most relationships at this age don’t last very long and it’s possible to end a relationship on good terms and keep the friend group intact.

A Secret Relationship

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Q:  So I’m in a secret relationship (I’m an underclassman and he’s an upperclassman) and he really wants to go public with our relationship but I just dont think it’s a good idea; he’s looking at colleges and I really don’t want to hold him back.  What should i do?

A: First of all, secret relationships are ALWAYS trouble.  What’s the reason for keeping the relationship secret?  Who is being protected?  What harm would come if the relationship was public?  I can’t see any reason for a relationship, especially one between a younger person and an older person to remain a secret.

Second, relationships between 9th graders and 11th or 12th graders are usually trouble.  There’s a huge imbalance of power in a relationship between a 9-10th grader and an 11th-12th grader, and that imbalance of power can lead to the younger person being taken advantage of in big and small ways.

To answer your specific question, in my mind the relationship HAS to go public.  Remaining secret is not an option.  You have zero chance of holding him back from college – he’s going to go and your relationship will end or change when that happens.  That’s just the way high school relationships work.   And going public means it has to be all the way public.  Your parents, his parents, your friends, his friends all have to know about the relationship.  If you feel like you can’t tell your family or friends about the relationship, that raises serious questions about whether being in the relationship is a good idea in the first place.

I’m not ready, but I feel pressure.

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Q: My boyfriend hasn’t directly come out and said he wants to have sex (penetration or oral) but I feel like he wants to, although I don’t feel like I’m ready (nor will I be for a while). He is super supportive and is willing to take things slow with me, but I still feel bad. I know part of this feeling is because of societal pressures in which women feel like they have to “please” a man. What should I do?

A: This is a situation many young people find themselves in.  The most important thing to do is trust your own judgement about whether you’re ready or not.  No one should become involved in sexual activity unless they want to and can freely consent to it.   You seem clear about what you want (or don’t want) in this situation.  Feeling bad suggests that you are doing something wrong or that you’re denying your boyfriend something he deserves or should have.  He has no right to sexual activity from anybody!  Society makes it seem like girls who don’t want to get involved in sexual activity are prudes or teases.  Neither is true.  You say you understand that the pressure is coming more from society than from your boyfriend, so the solution is to confront those ideas and reject them for the sexist, unhealthy messages they are.  There’s no magic to beating back that pressure.  It just means reminding yourself every day that you are the expert on you. and your desires, needs, and decisions are what’s most important.  You just have to keep telling yourself this until you believe it.

They just don’t understand!

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Q: I liked this person but I know I’m not ready for a relationship. I told them that and they said they aren’t ready either and we agreed to just be friends. They still make very flirtatious comments to me, so I remind them I just want to be friends, but they still make these comments. I really enjoy talking to this person and don’t want to just ignore them, so how can I make them understand that I don’t like these comments? We don’t know each other super well yet so I have been trying to get to know them better, but every conversation seems to lead to them being flirty and I don’t like it. They want to hang out and I would like to as well but I don’t want them to think it will be anything more than friends.

A: You’ve done the most important thing.  You’ve stated what you want clearly and repeated it when necessary.  The fact that this person either just doesn’t get it or is choosing to ignore what you say is a bit troubling to me.  Let’s give them the benefit of the doubt and say they are feeling awkward and haven’t had a lot of practice talking to people.  One thing you can try is giving them an alternative thing to say when they start getting flirty.  You might say something like, “I don’t like it when you say I look cute today (or whatever flirty thing they say).  Instead, maybe you can tell me about a movie you like or a hobby you have.”  Another idea is, after they say something flirty, you can say, “That thing you just said – that’s what I mean about being flirty.  You need to stop doing that with me.”  If you find that they just can’t or won’t stop the flirty stuff then I think you might need to back away from this friendship a bit.  Someone who can’t or won’t accept what you say isn’t someone I’d want to spend a lot of time around.  They may be fine as an acquaintance, but not as a friend, and certainly not as a sweetheart.

Should I Tell My Hook-up I Want More?

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Q: So, there’s this guy who I’ve been hooking up with, but we’re not really a couple. I really want us to be, though! I’m scared that if I tell him he will freak out and not talk to me and then I’ll never get to see him. What should I do?

A: One of the problems that can occur with a hook up is that one person starts to have more intense feelings than the other and may want more than just a hook-up, which is exactly what you describe here.

It isn’t fair to you or to your hook-up to keep pretending you’re fine with the situation the way it is. I actually think it’s kind of selfish.   You have to tell him/her that you’re interested in exploring whether or not you can become a couple.   I understand that this can be scary, but it’s the only way to go in this situation.  To let things stay the way they are is bad for both of you: you are left feelings frustrated and your hook-up is left in the dark thinking that everything us fine.  Healthy relationships and healthy hook-ups are based on honesty!  Both people have to clearly tell the other what they do and don’t want.  That’s the only way people can decide what’s best for each of them and for the relationship / hook-up.

Yes, you run this risk of having the hook-up stop, and you may even not see the other person any more, but isn’t that what should happen when a relationship or a hook-up stops working for the people in it?  To maintain something based on a lie or an unspoken assumption is unhealthy.

Getting a Girlfriend?relationships

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Q: How can I get a girlfriend?

A: If I could tell people the secret to getting a boyfriend / girlfriend / sweetheart, I’d be even more famous than I am today!  The truth is that there is no secret answer to this.

I would suggest not setting out to find a sweetheart, but rather setting out to meet girls who share common interests with you.  Join a school club or activity interests you and see which girls are there. Strike up a casual conversation with a girl in one of your classes, or offer to study together or do homework together.  Ask your guy friends to “talk you up” among some of the girls in the class (nothing sexual or false – just saying what a nice guy you are, or how funny, or smart – or whatever one of your best qualities is).

The best romantic relationships grow out of some common bond besides wanting a sweetheart. Be yourself, show your interests, and have casual conversations.  Something may grow from that.

Don’t Care How Others See Me

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Q: Is it bad if I don’t care what other people think of me — like not a single fiber of my being cares about how others might see me?

A: Just as we looked at biological gender and gender expression as a continuum, we can look at attitudes in that way too. When looking at the gender continuum, we noted 2 important things: (1) Being at the extreme ends of the continuum generally seemed less desirable and (2) Everyone needs to find the place on the continuum where they feel most authentic. Let’s use these ideas to look at your question.

If we think about our reactions to what other people think of us as a continuum “not caring about it at all” would be at the extreme left of the scale and “caring 100% about it” would be at the extreme right.

Your question implies that you place yourself at the far left of this scale. There’s nothing wrong about that, but I would ask whether you’re being more closed off to the view of other people even when they might be helpful? Of course each of us has to be the final judge of what’s right and authentic for us; no one else can do that. However, we often learn what’s most authentic about us by bouncing ideas off of other people and using other people’s observations about us as a “measuring stick” of sorts. It would be selfish and narcissistic to think that we never need input from others, just as it would be unhealthy to base our every thought and action on the attitudes of others.

Being your own person is clearly valuable to you, and I applaud that. I do hear in your question, though, a bit of disdain regarding the opinions others might have of you. I’d urge you to consider “loving the middle” a bit more and finding a balance between completely discounting / ignoring what others say and basing your whole life on it.

Does He Like Me?

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Q: How can you tell if a guy like likes you?

A: I know you’re really hoping for a clear-cut answer here, but that’s just not the way it works, I’m afraid. People can react in all kinds of ways when they like you. Some people get really quiet around you. Others will make sure you notice them. Some will tease you or act annoying. Some will just silently stare at you (yes, that can feel a little creepy.)

The best way to figure out if a guy likes you is to ASK HIM! Might is feel awkward to do that? Sure, but it’s also a way to get a clear answer. You might want to resort to the Middle School tactic of asking your friends to ask his friends if he really likes you or not, but that makes the whole thing so much more public than it needs to be. You could try using Facebook or texts to figure it out, but they’re not great ways to get clear information.

Why not try one of those “I messages” we talked about in session 6 of the mini-course. Remember, in an “I message” you describe the situation, say what you feel, and say what you want or need. Below are 2 different “I messages” you might try (or make up your own!)

#1: “I’m trying to figure something out and I could use your help. I’m feeling a bit confused about what you think of me. I’m wondering if you can be honest with me and tell me whether you like me or not?”

#2: “It’s hard for me to figure out if someone likes me or not. I’d be a lot less anxious if I knew for sure. So, I was just wondering if you like me?”

Asking such a question might seem scary, but, remember, the worst a person can say is “no”, and you’re absolutely strong enough to hear that and be OK.

How to “Put Yourself Out There”

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Q: I want to have a relationship with someone, but I don’t know how to talk to them or “put myself out there”. Do you have any tips?

A: The first thing I’d say is, don’t go into an interaction with the purpose of getting into a relationship. That puts a ton of pressure on everyone involved. Start by just trying to make a casual, honest connection with someone. Start a conversation about something you like and feel comfortable talking about. Ask questions about them, too. The more “chill” you can be, the more natural the interaction will be, and the better the groundwork will be laid for something more to develop. Relationships that evolve are a lot less stressful and more successful than those we try to force into existence.

Sweetheart relationships should be based on honesty, so don’t play games with people. Say what you feel and mean what you say. If you like someone, tell them. That may seem scary, but it’s the best way to get an honest reaction back.

Rejected or Used – What’s Going On?

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Q: People of the opposite gender that I have been interested in have either completely rejected me or used me to show off and not really care about me enough to have a real relationship. I have also never been kissed. I feel ready and mature enough to have a relationship. What is going on?

A: It sounds like you are ready for a relationship, but perhaps the people you’ve been interested in are not. Anyone who would reject a person outright is not ready for a healthy relationship, nor are those who would use another person. Can it be you’re looking in the wrong places to find a sweetheart?

I think the best way to find a sweetheart in high school is to look for someone you’d like to have as a friend first. Find someone with whom you share common interests. Look at the way a person treats his/her friends, and how they talk about other people who are not present. That will give you good information about someone’s “true colors”. Don’t go for status, go for personality and humanity.

Sometimes we do everything right and, still, the other person doesn’t want us. That’s about them, not about you. Anyone who would reject you or just use you isn’t worthy of you in the first place. Don’t waste any more time with them. Move on.

Jerky Guys?

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Q: Why do guys pretend to like you when you’re dating then are jerks after you break up?

A: First of all, let’s not lump all guys into the jerk category. Yes, some guys can be jerks, but not all of them are. Just as we don’t want guys to stereotype all women as being a certain way, we can’t do the same to men.

Now, to your specific question. I obviously can’t answer this question as it pertains to your relationship in particular, so I’m going to have to speak a bit generally and give my opinion (which is not a fact, so you’re free to disagree or think something else).

While I NEVER want to excuse the behavior of being a jerk (that’s never OK), guys can find themselves in a very difficult place after a break up. Guys, especially straight guys, are under enormous pressure to be tough and not to show anything that would be perceived as weakness or softness. Acting like a jerk to a former sweetheart is a way of saying, “I never needed you in the first place, and I wasn’t emotionally connected to you”, even when that’s not true at all! Being a jerk is a way to avoid being seen as weak, either in his own eyes or in the eyes of society. Again, I’m not excusing the behavior, just trying to explain it. Sometimes being a jerk is a way to cover up being hurt or to lash out at someone who we think hurt us. Sometimes being a jerk is a way to stuff down emotions of sadness or pain. I don’t believe there are many guys who intentionally want to be a jerk. I think it’s a defense mechanism.

No Relationships in High School?

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Q: Is it unhealthy to not have a romantic relationship (like not friendships but anything else) until after high school or should you just jump in to it and then see how it all goes?

A: It’s perfectly healthy to go through high school without having a romantic relationship, or any kind of sexual relationship for that matter. What would be unhealthy is forcing yourself to do it because of some idea that you “should”. Some people just don’t want, or don’t feel ready for a relationship while in high school. That’s perfectly fine. I would say it’s important to stay open to all the possibilities and see what happens. You may not be ready now, but there’s a lot of high school left. You might feel differently in a year or so, and you might not. Either way is fine.

Can Love and Attraction Come and Go?

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Q: Is it normal to be in love with someone and be very attracted to them but some weeks not feel nearly as attracted and as desperate to talk to them etc

A: What you’re describing is absolutely normal! Relationships with our sweethearts don’t exist in a vacuum; they are constantly being influenced and affected things happening to us and around us. Our emotional state on a given day can affect how attracted we feel to our sweethearts, whether we’re tired or stressed can have an impact, whether we’re upset with a family member or friend can impact it. If our sweetheart is feeling stressed or sick or grumpy, that can affect how much we feel attracted to him/her. Being in a relationship doesn’t mean that we’re always attracted to our sweetheart the same amount all the time. We’re all human; we don’t stay in any emotional state for very long so we shouldn’t put the expectation on us that we always need to be completely “into” our sweethearts.

By the way, I noticed at the end of your question you say, “not as desperate to talk to them”. I’m not sure if you used the word desperate deliberately, but desperation isn’t what relationships should be about. Of course we miss our sweeties when we don’t see or talk to them, but if we have come to depend on our sweetheart or our relationship to make us feel like a complete person, that’s not healthy. Remember, you’re two individual people in a relationship, not a relationship of two combined people.

In Love With 2 People?

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Q: I think I may be in love with 2 people. Is that possible or just my brain tricking me?

A: First lets talk about the difference between attraction, infatuation, lust, and love.

Attraction is that initial spark that draws us to someone.  It’s the thing that makes us take a second look.  When we are attracted to someone we want to look at them and be around them.  Attraction doesn’t really depend on knowing them or even talking to them.  It’s something in us that gets triggered.

Infatuation is having a strong interest in someone.  It’s thinking about them a lot (both in sexual and non-sexual ways).  It’s getting to know a lot about them, either directly from them or from their friends, Facebook page, or whatever.  Infatuation often feels like love but it’s almost always one-sided.  We are infatuated with someone but, sadly, they’re rarely infatuated with us.

Lust is just a physical and sexual attraction.  We lust for people who we want to be with sexually.  We don’t often think about them as a whole person – that can even ruin the lust.

One of the best definitions of love I know was created by Dr. Ken George, who was one of my graduate school teachers.  He defines love as “best friend + sex”.  In other words, being in love with someone feels just like being with your best friend but you also add sexual attraction and a desire to act on that attraction.

Given that definition of love, I’d say it’s pretty hard truly to be in love with more than one person at a time.  We can certainly be attracted to, infatuated with, and even lust for many people at the same time.  We can have connections that are intimate and passionate with different people to different degrees, but I think love is pretty special and doesn’t usually happen for more than one person at a time.

Now, I do believe people your age can be in love.  I don’t think it’s exactly the same kind of love that you’ll be in when you’re in your 20s or 30s, but I do believe love between young people is real.  If you are in love with someone, you want to commit fully to him/her.  Being in love with 2 people means being fully committed to two people, but that can’t happen, can it?  I’d suggest looking at your feelings again and seeing if you can’t figure out what else might be going on here.

Is it Healthy for a 15 year old to be in a 1 Year Relationship?

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Q: Is it healthy for a 15 year old to be in a relationship for more than a year?

A: The answer, like so many answers on this blog, is “it depends”.  There certainly isn’t anything wrong with a 15 year old being in a relationship for a year or more.  My question is whether it’s a healthy relationship or not?  As long as a relationship is healthy and both partners want it to continue, it can go on as long as it goes.  If the relationship is unhealthy then it is probably best that it end.  We talked about the qualities of a healthy relationship in session #4.  You can review the handout from that session in this blog.