Tag: friendship

Emotional and Romantic Attraction?

avernacchio /

Q: How do I know if I am attracted to someone in a non-sexual (romantic, emotional) way? I think I am asexual but I do not know how to tell if I still feel another type of attraction.

A: Emotional attraction is really just another name for a friendship.  Our friendships don’t typically involve sexual attraction, but they do involve intimacy (trust, sharing, emotional closeness).  Being asexual doesn’t impact our ability to create deep emotional bonds with other people, but those are friendship relationships, not sexual or romantic relationships.

Romantic attraction is wanting someone as a sweetheart rather than a friend.  It might be good to think about what the difference between those 2 kinds of relationships is in your own mind.  There’s no right answer to this, but thinking about it can help someone differentiate between emotional and romantic attraction.   Some romantic attraction also involves sexual attraction, but romantic relationships can also be non-sexual.  People who are asexual but not aromantic can have non-sexual romantic relationships.

To me, the difference between a friendship and a nonsexual romantic relationship is about the kind of commitment the relationship requires.  Friendships don’t come with an expectation of exclusivity, but many romantic non-sexual relationships do.  Many people are fine with their friends having other friends, but not everyone is fine with their romantic sweethearts having other romantic sweethearts.

This website has a lot of good information about nonsexual romantic relationships.  You may find it helpful.

Dating within a friend group?

avernacchio /

Q: Is it bad to date your friends/someone in your friend group? I like a person in my friend group but it feels selfish to pursue the relationship because if we break up on bad terms then the friend group will fall apart. 

A: It’s great that you’re considering both your own needs/wants and the needs/wants of your friend group.  I don’t see anything wrong with 2 people in a friend group establishing a sweetheart relationship.  Your friends would be happy that you two like each other and I have no doubt they’d support your relationship.  I also wouldn’t assume that the friend group will blow up if the relationship doesn’t work.  That seems a bit melodramatic.  Most relationships at this age don’t last very long and it’s possible to end a relationship on good terms and keep the friend group intact.

Troubling Ideas Expressed by a Friend

avernacchio /

Q:  A long time friend of mine is expressing some very concerning ideas about sex and sexuality. I talked to a friend of his and she said that he’s made some advances on her and has been getting increasingly angry at her and her friends. He also described wanting a woman to be “silent and still” during intercourse. What can I do to ensure that myself and my friends stay safe/how do I talk to him about this without setting him off.

A: I can see how this would be troubling, and I appreciate your desire both to be safe and to help your friend confront these harmful ideas.  Clear communication and drawing firm boundaries are very important when dealing with someone who is expressing thoughts like these.  It’s important for your female friend to be clear that his advances and his anger are not welcome and that if they persist she will have to involve someone like his parents or an adult in the school community in order to make them stop.  She can also decide to sever contact completely with him if she thinks that best for her own safety or mental health.  In terms of talking with your friend without “setting him off”, there’s no way to guarantee that.  He sounds like he might be influenced by incel ideas (see https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Incel).  These are very dangerous ideas and he needs to understand how out of step they are both rationally and morally.  It’s not your job to fix your friend, but you certainly can invite him to talk to a counselor or therapist about how he’s feeling.  You also need to need to set firm boundaries with him about what you’re willing to talk about with him, and let him know that your friendship may be threatened if her persists in these ideas.  This last piece is important.  If he expresses ideas about hurting himself or other people, don’t wait – contact an adult immediately and report what you heard. 

They just don’t understand!

avernacchio /

Q: I liked this person but I know I’m not ready for a relationship. I told them that and they said they aren’t ready either and we agreed to just be friends. They still make very flirtatious comments to me, so I remind them I just want to be friends, but they still make these comments. I really enjoy talking to this person and don’t want to just ignore them, so how can I make them understand that I don’t like these comments? We don’t know each other super well yet so I have been trying to get to know them better, but every conversation seems to lead to them being flirty and I don’t like it. They want to hang out and I would like to as well but I don’t want them to think it will be anything more than friends.

A: You’ve done the most important thing.  You’ve stated what you want clearly and repeated it when necessary.  The fact that this person either just doesn’t get it or is choosing to ignore what you say is a bit troubling to me.  Let’s give them the benefit of the doubt and say they are feeling awkward and haven’t had a lot of practice talking to people.  One thing you can try is giving them an alternative thing to say when they start getting flirty.  You might say something like, “I don’t like it when you say I look cute today (or whatever flirty thing they say).  Instead, maybe you can tell me about a movie you like or a hobby you have.”  Another idea is, after they say something flirty, you can say, “That thing you just said – that’s what I mean about being flirty.  You need to stop doing that with me.”  If you find that they just can’t or won’t stop the flirty stuff then I think you might need to back away from this friendship a bit.  Someone who can’t or won’t accept what you say isn’t someone I’d want to spend a lot of time around.  They may be fine as an acquaintance, but not as a friend, and certainly not as a sweetheart.